Ursula, the drag queen who married herself

MC: And now, in the West Coast saga of gay marriage, we present to you the happy story of Ursula, the drag queen who decided to marry herself. Yes, Gavin Newsom has accepted her application for a marriage license, and she is on her way to City Hall in San Franciso next week for the wedding! Ursula?

Ursula: Hi everybody. Hi. I’m Ursula. Let me tell you about myself. My story? Well. It really started for me several years ago when I was with my then boyfriend, Chip. He was a hunk. Oh yes. He was.

But you know, it wasn’t all roses for me. I know that’s hard to believe, me being gay and all, AND a drag queen. I mean, I know everybody thinks this is easy, but really it’s pretty hard to be as self centered as I am, and dress better than Britney Spears. Well, that part’s not hard, but she looks so good whatever she’s wearing.

Well, we all love Britney, but I’m in love with me! See, back a few years ago, I lived with Chip. And it was bad enough with all the gas under the blankets from Chip farting. But the turning point came for me one night when I was sitting there trying to relate to Chip over dinner. You know how it is trying to relate to man? Well, let me tell you, Chip was nooooo different than any other man over dinner. “Uh huh. Mmm. Yup.” Well! You know I thought we were having a nice conversation, me telling him all about my day. And then I watched while he reached deep into his nose as he looked straight at me, slowly ex-tract-ed this huge booger and …
He ate it. Right in front of me! Didn’t even retire to the boudoir alone, like a gentleman would before he eats his boogers.

So I said to myself right then, Ursula? You have GOT to find someone good enough for you! And I did. I’m right here!

I know. We have our problems. See, I love oral sex, and I know it’s going to be hard. But, I’ve joined a yoga class with my beloved. They have this won-der-ful blonde instructor who puts you into the most diff-i-cult positions, and talks about feeling the de-vo-tion! I just love it when she talks like that! I’m thinking about inviting her to my wedding night so she can give me directions!

I know, you may think I’m giving up a lot. No more late nights out with the boys. No more prancing around on stage dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and Catwoman. But now when someone tells me to go fuck myself?! Why, I thank them for their kindness and understanding! This fella told me that the other day in traffic after I turned left from the right lane the day I got engaged! Well, I stopped my car right there in front of him, sashayed my fine ass over and gave that man a big kiss on his crewcut head. I said to him, “Honey? I am soooo glad that somebody understands me besides myself!” You should have seen his face. Coulda dropped a grand piano down that man’s throat.

So anyway. I called my mom to tell her the good news. She was real sweet. She said, “Son, or daughter, whichever you are now, I’m so happy you found somebody you want to be with for the rest of your life.” I said to her, “Mom? Me too. But you know I never had much choice about it anyway.” “You’ve got a point there.” she replied. My mom is very practical.

Well, I felt so sad thinking about that. I thought, “Dear lord! Whatever shall I do if I decide I want a divorce? I’ll have to pay ali-palimony!” I started to cry. My mom asked me, “Oh, what’s wrong sweetheart?” And I just started screaming, I felt so upset, “It’s not fair! Mom, this is all your fault! How come you couldn’t give me a choice about it!” “A choice about what baby?” “A choice about living the rest of my life with myself!” Well. She hung up. But, I still love my mom. Really I do.

So, here I am! Bought the ring, bought the tux AND the most gorgeous white wedding dress! OK! I’m wearing a red sash, alright?! OK. So I’ve got it all!

Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to support myself so I can stay home.

MC: Thank you Ursula!